


All the Sounds of My Thoughts

by taeharu



Series: Our Love Story [1]
Category: Free!
Genre: Angst, Crying, Falling In Love, First Kiss, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Haru refuses to cry, Haruka doesn't know how to deal with his feelings, Jealous Makoto, Jealousy, Love Confessions, M/M, Makoto tries too hard, Misunderstandings, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Poor Haruka having to make a lot of choices, Rin is a good friend, Tags Are Hard, Unresolved Emotional Tension, haru-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-20
Updated: 2015-07-07
Packaged: 2018-03-24 23:27:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,046
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3788293
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/taeharu/pseuds/taeharu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Haruka's feelings are getting stronger by the second, and the raven-haired boy struggles when trying to decide if telling his best friend about his inappropriate feelings would really make things better.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. It's Worse When You Realize

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this in class and I should probably warn you, English is not my first language. I don't know why I even thought writing this would be a good idea.  
> Firstly, I planned 5 chapters or less, and ended up feeling so shit after I finished that I completely gave up. Still, I always have fun when writing stuff, even if it ends up bad, so I thought about posting it and no one appeared to stop me. 
> 
> As usual, I hope you can understand and feel what I meant for you to, well, understand and feel (words are hard, I'm not promoting myself at all).
> 
> EDIT 04/24/2015: After the lovely reaction and encouragement, I decided to make this fic multichaptered. It won't be long, so I don't think I'll schedule my updates as many, many other writers do. My creativity and ability to write depend a lot on my mood, so scheduling would just bring me unnecessary stress. I swear I'll update as soon as I can, when I can, so please stick around for a bit!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Choices are hard; you never know which is the right one until you have chosen one of them.

Never once Haruka thought about falling in love with his best friend. Not so often, he thinks about falling in love, about ‘if’s and ‘when’s, but not like this, not this complicated. Not ever in love with Makoto, no. That would be insane.

He feels pretty insane right now.

“Haru? You alright?” a certain olive-haired boy asks, and Haruka scowls because _how dare him_ , looking so concerned, and his eyes, shining beautifully even so, the way they always do whenever Makoto is looking at Haru; they assume a color that is impossible to describe, intensity so bright and blinding. His whole face retorts in an amazing, loving expression, and Haruka is always caught off-guard, not once ready for such a heart-smashing thing so early in the morning.

“Mhm,” he answers instead, for he is sure he lost the ability to speak.

Makoto singsongs an “okay” and Haruka is then screaming internally, because that’s just not _fair_.

He decides to focus on his feet moving on the sidewalk while the students follow their path to school. Right, left, right left… he feels Makoto’s gaze, but doesn’t look up; he can’t. He’s feeling suffocated already, full of smiles and green eyes, soft hair and amazingly sharp jaw, big hands and that freaking tanned body– so greatly muscled and defined and _big_ , all around him, completely covering his tiny frame.

Suddenly, Haruka feels very hot.

It’s not like it’s normal to imagine your best friend evolving you lovingly in a hug or naughtier things that must remain unnamed for the sake of your humanity. That is crossing the line, and he knows it. He knows he has to come back to reality and refocus his gaze on his shoes, but he just can’t. The sight of Makoto, shirtless and sweaty – a sight that Haruka is more than just used to – suddenly makes him feel things, and then his heart is beating- no, smashing through his chest, as if there is not enough space.

But Makoto is there, and completely dressed, and talking about his day that is yet to begin, with classes they don’t attend together and some that they do. The raven pretends to be uninterested, which is a lie, because he’d like to hear Makoto say sweet nothing over and over again. Makoto’s voice lures him, like a song sang by a siren or the sight of a single body of water, which makes him realize–

–Makoto’s stopped talking, and is now facing him curiously.

“You sure you’re okay?” he asks and stops walking. “I know there’s something wrong, Haru, and I won’t force you to tell me, but I just want to make sure there’s nothing I should worry about.”

Haruka is silent. He _could_ tell Makoto, right here and right now, it would be easier.

Then why can’t him bring himself to speak?

“… It depends,” he says, not wanting to lie but still hiding, running away. He can’t look at his best friend in the eyes, not now. Not while hiding something so big.

Makoto moves until they’re only few centimeters apart. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“I should.”

“I think so, too, but do you _want_ to?” he repeats.

“I don’t know,” Haruka says, because, honestly, he doesn’t know. He could tell him and free himself from the weight that is crushing him, risking losing their friendship, or he could bear with his feelings and control them, as if they never existed, just waiting until they faded away.

Things could change, or they could be the same. A choice, full of doubts and fear and worry, or one in which he wouldn’t have to take risks. They could just be.

Haruka sighs. “Actually… there’s nothing to talk about. Let’s just go before we’re late.”

Makoto hesitates, and then starts to walk side-by-side with Haruka again. He smiles, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. Haruka didn’t want to risk screwing their relationship, he did the right thing.

…still, why doesn’t it feel right at all?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that's it! I might write another chapter or two in the future, if I feel like it, but I will make no promises. Kudos are appreciated and I would very much like it if you could comment. Be my critic! Tell me what you liked and disliked, my mistakes etc. I'm always open for opinions, and I will admit it, I need all the help I can get.
> 
> Thank you for sticking with me!


	2. It's Worse When They Care

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nights alone can be tough, but there's always a reward in the morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I need to let this out: this is the second version of this chapter I wrote. Why, you may ask? Well, let me explain you the situation:  
> I wrote an 1000-word chapter yesterday (I suffered), saved it twice AND came here to post it. Being as dumb as I can be, I closed the document (after all, it was saved!). The thing is, when I opened it again, guess what? Yeah, It was gone. It had like forty words and three paragraphs. So, I had two options: 1) I try to write the same damn thing, or 2) I show up with a new thing from scratch.  
> I did the latter.  
> And I don't know if I chose right because the first option would mean hints of future occurrences but whatever. I have new chapters I can write.
> 
> Well, enjoy!

Days pass by and Haruka is still clenching at his chest every single night, the amount of pain and fear becoming unbearable. If anything, Makoto is only more affectionate and caring towards him – it must be his stupid mind making things up, to punish him for his stupid choice, his stupid caution and fear. Just punishing for every wrong feeling stuck in him, every little thought of a happy future together, something he knows won’t happen. He is still fooling himself everyday with visions of a nice relationship, and then breaking it all apart when facing the mirror and saying, “he does not love you.”

He wakes up at 6, an hour earlier than most people, considering school doesn’t start until 8. Makoto usually comes to get him at 7:15, so he spends most of his time on the bathtub, after he unlocked the backdoor. Except he doesn’t feel like bathing at all today, he just wants to lie down and sleep his pain off, close his eyes and dream of a nicer world where things like him being with Makoto would be possible. A world where they could always swim together. Be together.

Haruka sighs. He is having stupid thoughts again.

He looks at the clock on the nightstand and then tries to go back to sleep. He doesn’t feel like going to school at all. But he should at least let Makoto know, for he is sure to show up if not warned.

Grunting, he sits up and fishes for his phone in the drawer. He sends Makoto a simple text telling him not to come today, because he won’t go to school. And then adds an “I’m okay” in the end. That should do it, he thinks seconds before closing his eyes once again.

An hour later, he doesn’t hear the backdoor bashing open and heavy footsteps running up the stairs, the corridor and then a soft knock on his bedroom door, no. He is too occupied, dreams full of fishes in tiny aquariums and hands being held tightly, the promise of another of their moments, another secret thing they share.

Somebody pokes him on the shoulder lightly and then whispers his name, asks him if he’s feeling well. It takes Haruka something like twenty seconds to understand what is going on and to open his eyes, frowning. “…What?” he groans, voice still rough from sleeping. He blinks a couple of times and faces Makoto, eyes full of worry and concern. “What are you doing here?”

“How are you feeling?” Makoto asks instead, placing the back of his right hand on Haruka’s forehead. “Are you sick?”

Haruka doesn’t mean to glare at him, but it’s inevitable. “I’m not sick, I said I was fine.”

“Then–“

“Don’t wanna go to school, that’s it,” Haruka cuts him off, “I’m tired, I want to sleep.”

Makoto retrieves his hands and frowns at Haruka, and the raven knows exactly what his friend is thinking. It’s something among the lines of ‘Haru may stay in the tub for more than necessary and then take a lot of time cooking fish for breakfast, but he goes to school nevertheless.’ He is right, after all, Haruka only misses class when he’s sick.

“I don’t think you should,” Makoto says after some time in silence, “Skip school, that is.”

Haruka sighs. He just wants to sleep. “And why’s that?”

“Because if you do, I will, too.”

The raven’s eyes widen comically, because it is one thing for _him_ to skip class, but it’s another for _Makoto_ to do it; he never misses class, not even when sick. He says he is an older brother figure, and that he should be an example for his siblings, with good grades and no absences.

They stare at each other for some time, Haruka’s expression back to usual and Makoto’s still determined. They know they can play this game for longer than that, so Haruka gives up. “Okay,” he says, and then turns his head to the other side. He sits up, not looking at Makoto (because he knows his friend will be smiling brightly and he doesn’t need to see that), and stands. He prepares his school uniform and then grabs a towel. “You’ll wait here?” he asks the taller teen, who’s standing up now.

“Actually, I still need to get ready,” he says and then Haruka realizes he is still in his pajamas; the ones with a lot of cat-drawings and ‘meow!’s. It’s cute, he was there when Makoto bought it, insisting for the salesperson that it was a gift for a friend.

“You went out like this?”

“Well… yeah. I was worried about you.”

Haruka’s chest is in pain once again. Makoto looks embarrassed, and he’s so adorable like that, with his cheeks pinkish and eyes down, scratching the back of his neck with his right hand. Makoto looks up and smiles a killer smile. Haruka holds back a gasp.

“I’m gonna go now,” Makoto says, smile still present and a beautiful gleam in his eyes. “Be back in a few minutes.” He starts walking towards the bedroom door, pauses, looks at Haruka and then waves, expression softening by the second. Haruka’s heart is now slamming through his chest, his hands clenching and eyes wide. He must look like an idiot like that, because Makoto chuckles shortly before leaving and closing the door.

Damn his first thought, all he needs is a bath right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you love it, hate it? Let me know in the comments. Be my critic! Tell me what you liked and disliked, my mistakes etc. I'm always open for opinions and ideas. You'll be helping me a lot!


	3. It's Worse When You Crave For It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are good, things are great. Not perfect, but Haruka can endure.  
> Can he, though?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know shit's coming down when I start a chapter with happy and cute things. I'm sorry?  
> And, um, I tried to post this chapter as soon as I finished, so I didn't have time to reread and look for typos or mistakes... basically, I'm asking you to help me and tell me if you notice errors. Thanks!
> 
> As usual, I hope you enjoy this one. :)

Amused, Haruka watches as Makoto plays with the white cat always present by the stairs leading to their houses. She’s grown quite a lot since last year, and both teens had already grown attached to her, too. They’ve never named her (or never meant to at first), but Makoto always calls her “Princess”. He says it’s because she’s so elegant and has a “royal aura”, but Haruka knows it’s just because he’s a soft-hearted dork.

“Do you want to pet her now, Haru?” Makoto asks. They’re sitting on the steps, Haruka deciding to sit a little further up. He likes the view from up there; Makoto gazing him from under his silk-soft bangs, eyes shining because of the sun that is setting, announcing the night that promises many stars.

“No. I like watching you,” he says and pauses, realizing what had just slipped in between his lips and blushing from head to toe. Makoto’s smile is bright. “I _meant_ I’m fine _just_ watching. I mean. I like watching, uh, you _two_. Playing. But _both_ of you. Together.” He should just shut up before he hurts someone.

“Mhm,” Makoto muses, eyes on him while his hands caress Princess lovingly. Haruka wishes Makoto would pet him like that too. Maybe right before he falls asleep sharing body-warmth with Makoto after a long and stressful day. They would be older, Makoto would come back from work for dinner. Haruka would cook, because there’s no way he would let the other anywhere near the kitchen; and also, he would like to please Makoto, who would be tired enough. They’d spend the night talking about their doings and then go to bed, side by side. That would be wonderful.

“I know the feeling,” Makoto says and Haruka’s eyes are focused on him once again. What? What did he just say? “It’s a really nice sight, you and Princess playing together. Haru is good with animals.”

Oh, okay. Of course he wasn’t expecting Makoto to magically read his thoughts like he always does. Nah. That’s stupid. Makoto’s answer was exactly what Haruka expected. And he sighs once again, deciding to change the subject before his heart gets weaker.

They decide to give Princess a treat, so Makoto stands, cat still in hands. He bends to grab his bag but Haruka is faster. “What…?”

Haruka frowns. “Let me help you just this once,” he says and doesn’t wait for an answer before walking again. From behind, he hears a light chuckle and a whisper, “Haru-chan is cute, isn’t he, Princess?” The cat simply meows and Haruka considers dying right there. Why is God testing him in such a way? So cruel.

“Don’t add ‘–chan’, Makoto.”

Said boy stops abruptly. Haruka doesn’t see, for he is leading the way, but he hears it and stops too, turning around. “Sorry, um,” Makoto fidgets. “Didn’t mean for you to hear that.”

Makoto is blushing furiously, but he doesn’t look sorry at all. He’s staring right into Haruka’s soul, and the raven-haired boy feels a blush of his own crippling through his cheeks. He shrugs and turns around once again, telling him it’s not a problem, that he doesn’t mind. Still, what Makoto said and his reaction after being confronted had Haruka shivering and melting all the same. It’s unfair. It’s annoying.

They get to Haruka’s house and Makoto sets Princess on the floor. She runs straight to the kitchen, already used to the place. Silently, Haruka follows her and grabs a pack of frozen mackerel, putting some in a pan and frying it. He asks Makoto if he would like some, but the olive-haired teen denies; his mom is making green curry for dinner and he wants to eat as much as possible. Haruka smiles at that.

After a few minutes, he’s putting half of the fish in a small plate and setting it in front of a meowing cat that seems pleased enough with the gesture. Haruka sits on the table and Makoto does the same. The raven-haired boy has a plate with a fish and a half in front of him and a glass of orange juice by its side. “Kinda early for dinner, don’t you think?” Makoto asks, smiling knowingly. Haruka just shrugs and eats.

Makoto’s hands are on the table, arms stretched and lazy, and Haruka finds himself observing them; the way his fingers are long and kind of chapped, nails clean and perfectly cared. His hands seem so warm, different from Haruka’s that are always cold. He wonders, for some time, what Makoto would do if Haru decided to hold his hands, entwining their fingers and sharing the heat. Would Makoto squeeze his hands and smile lovingly? Would he pull away, embarrassed? Would he be… would he find it disgusting?

They’ve held hands. They still do, sometimes, but it’s different. It’s one of their secret moments, one of their things that mean nothing and yet everything. It’s still different because Haruka _wants_ it to be different. And he wants to know how Makoto would react, but he doesn’t have the guts to do so. He’s scared.

He realizes he’s been still for some time now. Makoto is looking at him worryingly. Haruka sighs and resumes his eating, pretending not to understand the reason of Makoto’s heavy gaze. With a look to his side, he realizes Princess is long gone and the plate set exclusively for her, empty. Just how long had he been daydreaming? That’s dangerous, he should stop.

“It’s getting late,” Makoto says, standing. Haruka knows he’s leaving and there’s nothing that could change that because he has to be home, but still… he wonders if Makoto would stay if he asked him to.

“Yeah. You should go,” he mutters instead, not looking at his best friend because he _can’t._ He knows his mask will break once he does.

Makoto leaves, not a word being offered before that. Haruka can’t see, but his face is now contorted with sadness.

It’s unfair. Things were good before that stupid time he wasted thinking about stupid things again. He made himself feel pain once again, when he could at least appreciate Makoto’s presence by his side, but no, he wanted more and wouldn’t recognize just how blessed he is, having someone like him, just like that, as a friend that wouldn’t leave him or judge him, that would worry and help him. He failed to make the best of their time together because of those stupid thoughts that would not come true; they couldn’t. They were friends, and just that. He wouldn’t risk losing what they already got.

A few minutes after hearing the door close behind Makoto’s back, Haruka stands. The plate is left on the table while he walks towards the bathroom. It’s going to be a long, sleepless night, it seems.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo, I think I'm not really fitted for angsty things, but I swear I try. Also, yes, I named the white cat. She's fab (and yes, for me, it's a she).  
> Anyway, tell me your thoughts! I'd appreciate it a lot if you gave me your opinion and ideas. Critics are always welcomed and encouraged!


	4. It's Worse When They Don't Get It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Miscommunication will always lead to misunderstandings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before anything, I KNOW it's been too long...... IM SORRY. I should've probably warned you guys about my school schedule this last, uh, three, four weeks? Let me just tell you my tests last two weeks, so the last three weeks have been spent with me studying and crying (*yaaaay*). And then I got sick and couldn't write for shit. I suck, I know.  
> BUT  
> I am rewarding you guys with a longer chapter.  
> (It wasn't really planned, but shhhh)  
> Anyway, this story is almost ending. Maybe two more chapters of plot and an extra with Makoto's POV? idk, who knows???? (definitely not me lol)
> 
> Well, I'm sorry once again. I hope you enjoy this long-ass chapter!

Makoto isn’t Haruka’s only problem now. He’s been noticing a strange pattern the last few days, one that includes Nagisa and Rei subtly vanishing from the older teens’ sights. The raven starts to wonder if they know, if, somehow, they are acting together to buy him some time alone with Makoto. He doesn’t know how to react to that, sincerely.

It’s Friday, and the swim club is reunited during lunch; Kou is talking to Rei about their diets – the ones she carefully chose for them to follow, but Rei is the only one to do so – while Nagisa blabbers about some of the things he mostly likely didn’t do. Haruka is silent, enjoying the amazing taste of his own food. He is really proud of his cooking skills.

“You know what,” Nagisa starts, waving his hands in air to call everyone’s attention. “We should have a sleepover today, since it’s Friday! We can go to Haru-chan’s and maybe watch some movies, it’ll be awesome!”

“Nagisa-kun, you can’t simply invite yourself to other people’s houses! It’s disrespectful!”

“It’s okay, Rei,” Makoto smiles and Haruka grunts silently, “Haru doesn’t mind. Nagisa’s been doing that for some time now.”

“See, Rei-chan!” Nagisa teases. The blond clasps his hands together and declares proudly, “Then, it’s settled! After we’ve gone home, we’ll gather our things and go to Haru-chan’s!”

Kou sighs and waves her hand dismissively. “I can’t go. Mom won’t let me sleepover at a guy’s house. Especially if said guy lives alone and is inviting his three male friends.”

“I didn’t invite them,” Haruka protests but ends up being ignored. Nagisa pouts at Kou’s statement and she says there’s nothing else to be done. They don’t cancel their plans, though, but promise her they’ll go shopping with her some other day, or go to the amusement park. Makoto nods cheerfully at the latter.

When lunch is over, they head to their respective classrooms, Haruka sitting next to Makoto, at his usual table. The taller teen leans over, head propped up by his hand. “Sorry I let them decide something like that,” he says and Haruka is only half-listening. He has grocery shopping to doand movies to arrange. And some cleaning. He has no time. Although they could watch something on Netflix, which would be easier. And faster, that’s for sure.

“Haru?”

The raven looks at him, shaking his head lightly to focus. “Sorry. What?” Makoto smiles.

“I said I’m sorry I let them decide those things without your actual consent. I know it’s unfair, since it’s _your_ house, but I figured you could use some fun. You’ve been pretty out of it lately.”

Ah, that’s Makoto’s subtle way of saying ‘I know there’s something wrong, but I won’t pry; still, I’m worried and I’ll try to help even though I don’t know what is going on'. Very considerate. The two of them spending more time together would only make matters worse, that’s why Haruka denies his offer to help him get things ready for the sleepover slash movie marathon. He would appreciate the distraction, a way out. Maybe some minutes without thinking about Makoto and the unfairness of the world.

He's doomed to realize being away from Makoto won't help him the least when class is over and his only thought is Makoto and him tangled together on the floor, comforter being strongly hugged by the taller, while Haruka glares at Nagisa who chose a horror movie. While he admits he’s being mean imagining such a situation, he can’t help but also feel warm on the inside just remembering the way Makoto trusts him with every fraction of his being. It’s nice, protecting him, that is. He’s done that since childhood and nevermind their current height difference- Haruka is still protecting him.

They are walking their way home when Haruka stops, Makoto mimicking his actions and turning to face him. No word is exchanged, but they nod to each other and wave goodbye while Makoto resumes his walking and Haruka turns to the city. He would pass by the grocery store and buy some food, then head home and get things ready. He then realized he had no idea how much time he had left, so he hurried his way through things and got home as soon as possible.

Trusting Nagisa or Rei to call him once they were on their way, he starts to organize his things and clean the living room, kitchen and bedroom. He is never messy, always having enough free time to do the house chores and then some more to soak on the tub, but that doesn’t mean things are bright-clean. He appreciates every spot sparkling, and so does Rei; it is his first time sleeping over, so he doesn't want his friend to feel disrespected. Nagisa, on the other hand, doesn’t mind those things as long as there is food.

He finishes by 5 pm and there's no sight of his friends. No one has called or texted, and Haruka huffs as he sits on the couch. Maybe he could take a bath before they got there... it's not like they don't know how to get in anyways.

He stands, unlocks the backdoor and heads to the bathroom, where he undresses and starts to fill the tub with warm water. It's not like it's cold outside, but he likes the feeling; it's relaxing, makes him want to close his eyes and drift away- but well, that's how he feels about water in general. Anyway is better.

Once the tub is full, he lets himself soak in it, paradise liquid surrounding him fully. It is heaven, almost as good as sin. His only wish right now is to stay there, keep his head underwater for ages and just that, because as funny as it may sound, the water was the only thing currently letting him _breathe_.

Makoto is knocking on the bathroom door and announcing himself with his usual morning greet – except is almost evening – but Haruka is too busy keeping his head underwater for the tenth time to notice. He stays that way until his lungs start to ache, sitting up to breathe in harshly. Saying he is surprised to see Makoto there is to take it lightly. Seeing he is usually cool and calm, no one would think he’d almost scream at the sight of another person in his bathroom, and yet that’s exactly what he does, violently flinching, eyes wide and mouth agape, only to relax seconds later.

“Sorry!” Makoto begs, throwing his hands above his head in exasperation. “Didn’t want to disturb you, but I also didn’t think I’d scare you.”

Haruka stares, breathing finally easing. “Just… I wasn’t expecting you to show up this early,” he says, blush still present on his cheeks. He hopes Makoto will take it as him reacting to the shock, not as the embarrassment of reacting as a scaredy-cat.

“Um… it’s not so early?” Makoto chuckles, sitting on the toilet, dropping his bag on the floor. “How long have you been here? It’s like seven.”

“…it didn’t feel like I’ve been here this long.”

Makoto only smiles and stands, stretching a hand towards Haruka as he always did, except this time the raven does not take it. He looks to his side instead, and now his face is redder. His day couldn’t get worse, could it?

“Haru?” Makoto asks, head cocking to the side in worry. Haruka sighs and turns to him, dead serious.

“Not wearing my jammers,” he says and it actually comes out as a whisper. For a moment, they just stare at each other, until Makoto’s face becomes redder and redder, and he retrieves his hand, stuttering. Haruka has the sudden urge to punch himself.

“O-oh, I should’ve imagined, I mean, it’s not even winter and you swam every day for the last five days, of course, how silly of me.”

Haruka watches as Makoto excuses himself, grabs his bag and leaves the bathroom in a rush. The raven rolls his eyes and lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. How embarrassing. He feels less motivated to get out now, but it’s not like he has a choice. It’s almost dinnertime and no word was heard from Nagisa or Rei. He then reminded himself he hasn’t checked his phone since deciding to take a bath. Reluctantly, he gets up and dries himself, leaving the bathroom once making sure the towel is tightly wrapped around his hips; he would have gone nude to his room, but the embarrassment got the best of him (and, besides, if he did, Makoto would probably combust).

He settles in a shirt and shorts, dressing quickly. Haruka notices Makoto’s bag on his bed, but pays it no mind. He heads downstairs, choosing to be silent and not to alarm the other teen who would probably be sitting on the couch in front of the TV.

He did not fail- Makoto is indeed there, fidgeting furiously while holding a DVD. Haruka guessed they would watch things on Netflix, but Makoto didn't seem to think that same way.

The raven looks around the room, using his position in advantage to not be seen by his friend, who has his back towards him. Haruka finds his cellphone on the bamboo coffee table that stands right in front of Makoto. Oh well, nowhere else to run. He circles the area and sits by the taller's side, grasping the phone and flicking it open.

9 messages, 22 calls and 3 voicemails. He opens the messages and reads through them. Nagisa is apologizing and sending a lot of emojis. Rei is being cautious and formal as ever, begging his forgiveness. Haruka doesn't get it.

"Ah, they sent quite a lot of messages," Makoto says, reading them while leaning over Haruka's shoulders. Too close, damn it. "Maybe listen to the voicemails? We don't really know what they're apologizing for." Haruka can feel Makoto’s breathing on his neck, and it’s making his gut twist deliciously. He feels goosebumps tickling his skin and the urge to breathe harder, as if he was still on the tub holding his breath underwater. God, Makoto, back _off_.

"Maybe it's because they're late," Haruka says shifting on his spot, but calls his voicemail anyway.

"Haru-chan, sorry! My sisters came over and they won't let me go to your house! Mom says we have to stay together this weekend as a family but I don't think I can handle. Save me! ...also, say 'hi' to Mako-chan for me! Have fun!"

Haruka's eyebrows twitch. He clears his throat. "Nagisa won't come," he says, averting Makoto's eyes. "How much you want to bet Rei isn't coming either?"

He hears Makoto sigh. Haruka lifts his gaze and meet his eyes; they ponder for a moment, and then the raven silently presses against the couch, a hand coming up to rub at his temple. They decide to go on with their plans anyways, Makoto standing to put on the DVD. Haruka asks about dinner, but the taller says they can eat after they watch the movie. It’s an American comedy with lots of characters, which makes it hard for him to understand; Haruka always has a hard time remembering people’s names, or at least linking the names to faces. Having so many people to pay attention to is pretty confusing.

The movie is nice, though, and actually funny. Haruka doesn’t laugh out loud, but he snorts every now and then. Makoto, on the other hand, is close to rolling on the floor, pressing his right hand on his tummy and the left on his lips to muffle the very loud sound he’s letting out. Haruka is actually more amused at the sight of Makoto laughing so much, having that much fun. He wishes, secretly, he could make him laugh like that, but it’s not as easy as it sounds; he is not big on cracking jokes, his ironic comments will only get him a chuckle from Makoto. He’s made him laugh, indeed, but not like that. Makoto is always so bright, people would think he laughs at everything, but they don’t know him like Haruka does; he is a very cheerful person indeed, very positive, but that doesn’t mean he is amused half of the time. He just grew like that.

“Did you see that!?” Makoto exclaims between laughs, whipping the tears away from his eyes. “God, I borrowed this from my father. Hadn’t watched it before, so I had no idea it was _this_ good.”

“Yeah,” Haruka murmurs, eyes on the TV. He scratches his nose in an attempt of hiding his smile, although there’s not much he can do to settle the warmth in his chest. Makoto makes him feel so comfortable and so good, but there’s still that little painful hole engulfing him fully every now and then. Right now, it’s just a small thing, aching uncomfortably but not overcoming the nicer feelings. He sighs, and it feels like he’s been doing that quite a lot recently.

The movie ends happily, which is not surprising. Makoto is smiling, forcing Haruka to do so as well – although his smile is way smaller. They stand and head to the kitchen, where Haruka opens the fridge. He ponders on what to do, but a single look towards his best friend is enough to make him decide.

“We’re having green curry,” he says, and Makoto’s expression is enough to ease the uncomfortable-slash-painful feeling.

Since it is an easy dish, Haruka spends his cooking time also chatting with Makoto, who is sitting at the kitchen island. They talk mostly about school and the swimming club at first, but then Makoto starts blabbering about the twins and his four distant cousins that are planning on visiting them.

“You remember them? We used to play together during summer break when we were younger.”

“I remember Mai and Daisuke. She wore those red ribbons and liked green dresses. Daisuke always stole her ribbons and left her crying, but you helped her get them back and then scolded him.” _Just like your father did to you whenever you did something wrong_ , he wanted to add.

Makoto chuckles. “Ah, yeah, he was really hard to handle, always picking on his sister. I think they’re better now, since they grew older. I guess they’re both 15 now, but I can’t be sure,” Makoto says, a hand scratching on his chin. “Anyway, you probably don’t remember Ari and Sakamichi because they’re older than us. They’re already college students by now. They watched over us while we played, mostly, but I do remember Ari getting you a popsicle when Daisuke made you drop yours.”

“I don’t know about that,” Haruka says, shrugging. It’s been too long, and as said before, he was never good with names.

Once the food is ready, they settle side by side to eat. Makoto searches on his pockets for his phone, telling Haruka his mom asked him to text before they went to sleep. Not that they’re going so early, but his mom doesn’t need to know that.

“What movie did you choose?” Makoto asks halfway through his food. He seems to be enjoying the curry a lot, and Haruka feels grateful, for some reason.

“None,” Haruka says shrugging, standing and leaving his already empty plate in the sink, only go back and sit again. “I didn’t have the time to pick one, but I thought we’d be watching something on Netflix.”

“We can do that,” Makoto smiles and looks at him. The taller frowns a little, and then brings his right hand to Haruka’s face. Said boy is widening his eyes, mouth agape, while Makoto’s thumb wipes on the corner of his lips. “You had some sauce there,” he says and sucks on his thumb, humming. At the sight, Haruka stands abruptly, the stool scratching loudly on the floor.

“I’m going to the bathroom,” he says and leaves, not looking behind. God, what was that? _Breathe, Haruka, **breathe**_. _It’s okay, no need to freak out_.

He slams the bathroom door behind himself, his heart beating erratically. He rests his back on the door, his hands grasping his shirt and squeezing hard. He knew he was screwed the moment he realized it would only be the two of them. He thought things could work out when he felt at ease just being by Makoto’s side and hearing he laugh. How foolish of him, he should have known better. After months of torture and pain, did he really think he could get a break?

Now he sits on the floor, head between his arms while his forehead rests on his knees. He wishes he could escape, that maybe Makoto would get a call from his mother asking him to please go home and watch the kids while she goes out with his father. But then again he doesn’t want Makoto to leave, because he likes the way Makoto smiles at him, the way he slapped his thigh when laughing or the way he thanked him for making his favorite dish. He likes it all about Makoto, but he also hates himself for liking it that much. He’s scarred for life, those moments of pain and joy forever engraved in his heart.

He hears a knock on the door and allows himself to calm down. He stands, looks at his reflection on the mirror and opens the door. Makoto is there, unsurprisingly, looking at him. “Sorry,” he says, and Haruka frowns. _What for_ , he asks silently. “For touching you. I know you don’t like it when people get too close or touch you suddenly, I should’ve restrained myself. I’m sorry.”

“What.”

Makoto clears his throat. “You’ve been different. Distant, actually. I thought you were… drifting away again. You know, like you did when Rin went to Australia. I didn’t want to lose you again, so I thought that maybe I could get closer to you?” he pauses. Haruka’s throat feels tight. “I won’t say it got better after that, but it didn’t get worse. I even thought that- I mean, I. What I’m trying to say is, I was wrong. About everything. And I’m sorry. You like your space, I’m only making things worse. I don’t read you as well as I thought, in the end. I also shouldn’t have let Nagisa plan this whole thing.”

“Makoto, that’s not-“

“It’s fine,” he interrupts, shaking his head. Makoto smiles, but it’s… different. Haruka doesn’t like it. “After all those years, I should know better,” another pause. He sighs and points to the stairs with his thumb. “I’ll get my things and leave, okay? Thanks for having me and for the food. See you on Monday?” But he doesn’t wait for an answer before heading to Haruka’s room. The raven is left standing, still in the bathroom. He feels his eyes stinging, but pays them no mind before running after Makoto. Said teen is already in his room, placing his backpack straps on his shoulder, back facing the bedroom door. Haruka fists his shirt, forehead resting on his shoulder blades. “Haru?” Makoto asks, head turning to look at his face, but failing due to the angle.

“It’s not that,” the raven whispers, squeezing Makoto’s shirt in his grasp. “There’s something happening. With me. It’s not you.” He can feel his heartbeat through his chest. He presses his lips against each other to avoid any tears because he won’t allow himself to cry.

“Tell me,” Makoto says, voice soft and still shaking.

“I can’t,” he grits. “I want to, but I can’t.”

“Okay.”

“Don’t leave.”

“I won’t.” As to make a point, Makoto drops his bag on the bed slowly, giving Haruka the time to step away; he doesn’t.

“Makoto,” he calls, eyes downcast. The taller teen turns and faces Haruka, who’s fidgeting and breathing harshly. “Will you…would you, um.”

“What is it, Haru?”

The raven sighs and lifts his gaze, teeth worrying his bottom lip. “Hug me?”

Makoto’s expression is blank for a second. He then closes his eyes and nods, the ever-bright smile appearing once again. Makoto holds his arms apart and surrounds Haruka in a warm, tight embrace. The raven lets himself float in Makoto’s scent, in his warmth, in how perfectly they fit. They don’t speak and don’t pull apart, they just stay there, holding at each other and allowing themselves to breathe. Haruka doesn’t know how many minutes pass by until they finally break their embrace. Makoto’s eyes fall softly on him and he doesn’t mind that he’s being stared at; he actually is thankful.

They decide to go to sleep, the original plan soon forgotten. Haruka says there’s no need to put out the futon since there’s plenty of space in the bed and they leave it like that, only changing into their pajamas and letting themselves be engulfed by their dreams. If one’s hand ends up grasping the other’s, that’s something they won’t know; the only thing to be sure of is that, since months of sleepless nights and pained dreams, it’s the first night that Haruka felt completely and utterly at ease.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, what do you think? Is it too rushed? Too confusing? The bad thing about writing long chapters is that I let myself drift away. I read this chapter three times after I finished (and I've been writing it for two weeks, I guess?), but you can never be too sure. 
> 
> Well, let me know what you think in the comments! I cannot express how happy I am whenever I see someone liked/commented on this fic. You guys help me grow as a writer, and for that I am very thankful. And don't forget to tell me what you liked and disliked, my mistakes etc. I'm always open for opinions and ideas.


	5. It's Worse When You Name It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rin is a good friend and Haruka ends up implying many things without meaning to. Makoto doesn't like it.  
> Once again, miscommunication leads to misunderstandings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I answered a comment today saying I'd try to update before Friday, but I decided to cut the chapter short and prolong the suspense until the next one, because I'm a sweetheart.  
> And no, I did not write the next chapter yet, though I have most of it planned in my mind.  
> Read the end notes, please! I'll be asking a very important question.
> 
> Enjoy! And sorry?

Haruka wakes up when he hears the sound of a door closing. He opens his eyes alarmingly, only to relax the second he sees Makoto holding a tray and looking apologetic. Oh, right, he had slept over.

"Sorry for waking you up so suddenly," Makoto says, voice low, probably afraid he’ll startle Haru. "I tried to close the door with my feet, but ended up kicking it with more strength then I thought I would."

"You and your stupid strength," Haruka says, although he doesn't mean it in a bad way. He blinks his sleepiness away and stretches, a happy moan escaping his lips. "What's that?" he asks Makoto, nodding to the tray in his hands.

"Oh! Right. I made you breakfast."

He looks really proud of himself. Haruka’s eyes soften and his chest feels warm. "You look like you didn't burn anything this time."

"Well, why don't you see it yourself? Sit up," he instructs, Haruka following his command. Makoto places the tray on his thighs, smile never fading. "So, what do you think?"

Haruka is silent for a moment. He expected toast, waffles or something easier, but Makoto literally grilled mackerel and made scrambled eggs, orange juice by the plate. He was shocked, proud and amazed.

"How?" he asks, eyes shooting up suspiciously.

Makoto fidgets under his stare. "Um," he mumbles sheepishly. “You see, I. It kind of… how to say…”

Haruka can see right through him. "Your mother."

"You're no fun, Haru," Makoto complains with a soft smile. He blushes a bit, but doesn't seem to mind. "I actually tried to make you something, but it didn't go so well... sorry. But, ah! I helped her, if that counts?"

Haruka doesn't hide his smile. "Either way is fine," he says, hoping Makoto will get the unsaid 'thank you'. He always does. "Have you eaten?"

Makoto looks away, scratching the back of his neck. "Actually... no. I spent so much time trying to make your breakfast I ended up not eating at all."

"Let's share, then," Haruka says, tapping the place by his side on the bed. Makoto seems to perk up a bit, sitting by him and smiling while they enjoy breakfast.

* * *

 

Makoto leaves shortly after, saying his mother asked him to be back early since their group plan was left behind. Haruka is disappointed, but it's probably for the best. He needs a moment to process what had happened the night before without freaking out in front of Makoto again.

In the afternoon, he hears his phone ringing. He decides to pick up, thinking it might be Makoto. When he sees the contact's name, he frowns.

"What?" he asks, flicking his blue phone open.

"I'm coming over," Rin says. He leaves no room to refusal before ending the call. Haruka blinks.

Rin has been doing that lately. He calls, comes over, makes Haruka open up his heart whenever the redhead has a feeling something is wrong. Rin says is because he knows Haru won't talk unless someone is forcing him, and that person is Rin himself. He calls it "Shark Therapy". Haruka finds the name extremely unnecessary and settles on "it" or "that".

Not forty minutes after, he hears a knock on the door and the ring of the doorbell. Sighing, he gets up and heads there, a hand massaging his temple while he opens it. "Look, Rin, I'm not in the mood for doing _it_ toda-"

Makoto stands outside, eyebrows shooting up. "Uh... hi. Not Rin."

"Makoto," he gasps. "Did you, um. Forget something?"

"I actually came to invite you over to dinner," he says, although awkwardly. "Mom is making something with mackerel and she asked me to tell you to come at 7, if you want to," he pauses, the corners of his mouth falling in a frown. "But I think you already have plans?"

Haruka blinks, his face warm. _Plans?_

"You thought I was Rin," Makoto explains.

The raven panics internally. He didn’t tell Makoto about his not-so-often new activities with Rin, mostly because they usually talk about nonsense that Makoto knows nothing about, things Haruka wouldn’t want him to know because he’d probably act as if it was a big deal. "No, he. He said he's coming over, I don't know what he wants. It won't take long."

"Right."

"I'll see you," Haruka says, hand squeezing the side of the door. "At dinner."

"Okay. See you," Makoto says and turns to leave, pausing and glancing at Haruka with an expression he didn't recognize. "You too have fun doing... it. Whatever it is."

"Mm," is the last thing Haruka says before Makoto is gone and he is closing the door. He sighs, forehead pressed against the wood as he tried to understand why the atmosphere laid so heavy upon them. It was suffocating, and Makoto's eyes- they were staring at him intensely. He saw emotions Makoto did not display often when looking at him, such as anger and discomfort. The taller teen smiled, but it was fake; his face though and sharp, jaw clenching when he spoke. Haruka feels uneasy just remembering.

He tries to review his words to find something that might have angered Makoto, but he fails. Deep inside, he hopes it's jealousy, though he knows it's impossible- he's imagining stupid things again.

He goes to the living room and lies on the couch, hugging his legs as he hides his face on his knees. Makoto's face has left him hurting, the reason still unknown. Well- he did know; Makoto himself was hurt, the reason being Haru. He just didn't know why.

Before he knows, he's falling asleep, eyes too heavy and his body, too tired. Maybe he's sick, who knows.

He wishes he could sleep more, but that's not possible; not when someone is nudging his head impaciently and nonstop. Haruka lifts his sleepy gaze and eyes Rin, who does not look happy.

"Wake up, Sleepy Beauty. Freaking rude, you know? You left me knocking outside like crazy."

Haruka blinks twice. "How did'ya com' in?"

"Geez, look at you, slurring words like a drunken teenager."

Haruka doesn't feel like pointing out they _are_ teenagers. "You didn't answer me," he said, stretching. His neck hurts.

"Asked Makoto where do you leave your spare key," Rin says like it's obvious. He crosses his arm and huffs. "Took me ages to get an answer out of him. Did you guys have an argument or something?"

"Don't know," Haruka says. "He's pissed at me. Wasn't this morning."

"You said something?" Rin asks. Haruka glares at him. "What? Makoto isn't the type to storm off out of nowhere."

_Yeah, he's not like you_ , Haruka thinks, sitting up and rolling his head back. Rin sits by his side and keeps his arms crossed. They are silent for a bit, both listening to the suave sound of nature; the sound of steps outside the house, from people coming and going; of the cicadas singing their orchestra; even the faint sound of waves crashing down the shore. The peaceful moment is ruined when Rin decides to talk.

"You're different, you know?" Rin asks letting out a long sigh. "You're talking more. And you're not as frustrated-slash-angry as you used to be."

Haruka frowns. "You're describing yourself."

"Yeah, okay, keep fooling yourself," Rin snorts. "But seriously, though. You even look different. Like, your aura or something like that, I don't know. But it's not a bad different. It's just weird. You're actually coming down from your own little world for once."

Haruka is silent. He doesn't think he has changed that much. Surely, he's been talking more, but he is doing that for Makoto's sake (when did he decide that and why did he only just realize that, he does not know).

"Dude, don't shut me off now!" Rin yells, cutting his thought. Rin is so loud, makes him uneasy. "Don't go back to your cocoon, or you'll never come back. We need to talk about what's happening, 'cuz if we don't there's a 99% chance you'll be lost for good."

Haruka stands and heads to the kitchen, throat suddenly dry. "There's nothing to talk about," he informs, drinking some water afterwards. Rin does not buy it. "I mean it. Leave it be."

"Like hell I will," Rin says, appearing through the kitchen door and sitting on the counter. Haruka fights the feeling to woosh him off. "Come on, you know you want to talk. I'm here, I'm trustable- spill."

The raven considers his options: one, he tells Rin; two, he does not. Option 1 might lead him to death by embarrassment; option 2 might lead to him being so pressured he might follow option 1. Sighing dramatically, he sets his glass down. And walks back to the living room, not before pushing Rin out of the counter and telling him not to sit there ever again. They settle down on the couch like they did before this discussion even started.

"I might have conflicted feelings towards someone I deeply care about and it's very likely they don't feel the same."

Rin stares at him, eyebrows arched and eyes wide. They stand just like that- staring at each other, with Haruka stoic as ever and Rin on the verge of breaking. The moment is gone when a high-pitched laugh is heard.

"You spoke just like Rei, oh my god-!" Rin half-yells, half-laughs. "’ _Conflicted feelings’_? ‘ _Someone_ _I deeply care abou_ _t’_? God, Haru, when did you get so _poetic_?"

Haruka deadpans. "Get out of my house."

"No, but seriously, what the hell are you talking about? You like someone, is that it?"

The raven frowns and answers almost immediately, "It's more than just that." He likes his friends; he likes mackerel. He definitely does not like Makoto the same way.

"Okay? So you love them?"

At that, Haruka pauses. He does? Could he say he loves Makoto? Is that what his feelings are, love? He doesn't know love; he doesn't like it. Whenever he feels love, it comes with pain. His grandma, his parents, his swimming. He's always hurting in the end. He does indeed feel bad about his feelings for Makoto. It's painful and makes his heart ache, but it's worth it. If it's love, then it's a different kind of love; one that makes it all worth it. He bears with the pain for the sake of being with Makoto every single day.

"It depends," Haru says. Rin waits him patiently for once. "I don't... know love. But I. Really like spending time with them. And it hurts but I don't care; I don't want to be away from them, even if I'm hurting."

Rin blinks and covers his eyes with the back of his hand, hiding his face on the armrest of the couch. "Aw, man!" he exclaims, sniffing a minute later. Haruka feels lost. "That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard you say."

The raven frowns, enlarging the space between him and the weeping redhead. "You're weird."

"Shut up!" Rin yells, whipping his tears away. "I didn't know you could feel all of that, honestly," he pauses and looks at Haruka. "Do I know them?"

Haruka sighs. He may as well tell him. It's not like it's not obvious. The redhead might even already know and is just making sure. Or maybe he's torturing him.

"So?" Rin insists, looking completely lost. Haruka frowns.

"Are you stupid or something?"

"What? I know nothing about your love life!"

Haruka sighs. "Rin. It’s someone I care about. I spend most of my time with them. Just freaking think."

The raven watches as Rin's eyes widen comically and his jaw drops. He thinks he hears a "no way" and some curses. Haruka, although still hiding his nervousness, feels the urge to smirk.

"You gotta be kidding me," Rin gasps, looking like a complete maniac. Haruka finds it very amusing.

"Nope."

"You. You and- _you say it!_ I can't say it!"

The raven shrugs, blush evident. "I'm not saying it." _No way I'm embarrassing myself any further_.

Rin hits him with the cushion in the face hard, making his hair spike in all the possible directions. "Oh, you f-"

He is interrupted by the sound of the doorbell. Haruka freezes in place, because he knows instantly who it is. He glances at Rin, who is as serious as he is, probably remembering how unusual Makoto’s earlier behavior was. Slowly, they stand, Rin telling him he's going to the bathroom. Haruka heads to the main door when the doorbell rings again and he opens it. As expected, Makoto stands there, head down.

"Makoto."

Said teen finally lifts his gaze, eyes tired and brows furrowed. His gaze is fixed on Haru's completely messy locks and his flushed face. Makoto scowls.

"You're late."

It takes Haruka a second to understand what Makoto is talking about, but once he does, his eyes widen and he's ready to mumble apologies and run to his room to change. He doesn't, though, because Makoto is wearing that expression again, the one that makes Haruka uneasy and guilty and any other uncomfortable feeling mixed together.

"I called you, but you wouldn't pick up," Makoto said, not looking at him. "Mom insisted I came here to ask you if there's something wrong."

_No. I'm done. I'll head upstairs and change in a blink of eyes. I won't keep you waiting anymore._

"Well, is there? You said you'd be there."

_There's nothing wrong; I lost track of time. I just realized how I truly feel about you and how selflessly selfish this feeling is. How it hurts and heals me. How it makes me feel better and yet feel like I have no other place in the world but by your side._

"Is Rin still inside? You look like you had a lot of fun."

_Makoto. What are you talking about? Makoto_.

"I mean, I think I should have realized it earlier. It's kind of obvious, isn't it? This whole... situation. I just expected you to tell me, I don't know."

_What? No. You can't- you know? I, I couldn't tell you I'm sorry-_

Rin shows up by Haruka's side in the worst moment possible. With a glance in his direction, the raven can note his face dripping and his neck glistering with water. He faces Makoto again and catches him staring at the exact same thing. Next to them, Rin ties his hair into a ponytail.

Without a word, Makoto leaves and walks down the stairs, Haruka's eyes never leaving his back. He feels horrible, as if he had just been slapped. Rin places a hand on his shoulder and squeezes. Haruka promises himself he will not cry.

* * *

 

It's half past 9. For the last hour, Haruka and Rin did not speak, they just sat in the living room and watched TV, not really paying attention to whatever program was on. Of course, Rin is the first to break the silence, as always.

"You should tell him."

Haruka's indignant face is obvious while he stares at his friend as if he had heard the most absurd idea ever. ‘ _Tell him’? After what had just happened?_

"Look, Haru- it's obvious, okay? He thinks we're together and he's mad about it," Rin says seriously. "It's something people call _jealousy_."

"He is not jealous!" Haruka spits, voice leveling with the amount of pain in his chest. "He said it's obvious; he knows. He knows how I feel and he hates it. He- he hates me."

Rin gives him a skeptical look. "That's it, you're going nuts."

"Did you just not hear a word he said?"

"Yeah, I heard it all. I heard him implying you had a good time and asking if I was still here. I heard how he talked to me when you wouldn't open your freaking door, how he not asked but ordered me to never, ever hurt you. I didn't get it at first, but now I do. You guys need to talk."

"I'm not telling him!"

"Just ask Nagisa, Rei, Gou or literally _anyone_! You're being stupid and selfish!"

Haruka's jaw stiffen. "How the hell am I being selfish!? Do you even know what it _means_ to be selfish?"

Rin snorts. "Letting him keep hurting because you're scared seems pretty selfish to me." Haruka's expression softens in sadness. Makoto is hurting. It’s his fault. God, why can’t he do anything right for once? “Listen: stop. You’re going to hurt yourself even further. Stop thinking about what’s gone, it’ll only make things worse. If you have the capacity to change things, to make it better, then go. Trust me, I know,” he snorts.

Blue eyes stare at red ones, reading them as if there’s an answer there, left waiting. Haruka can’t read Rin, as much as Rin can’t read him. It’s not going to change anything, things won’t settle as much as he stares. Although he tries, Rin can’t promise him things will be alright. He does though have experience. He knows how it is to screw someone because of fear.

“You can talk to him whenever you’re ready, I won’t tell you to do it right now,” Rin says as he stands. “But promise me you’ll do it.”

Unable to speak, Haruka nods. He watches as Rin heads to the front door and leaves, saying it’s late and offering him good luck. He also says “don’t be scared of changes” but it doesn’t make any difference. Heading to his room, the raven-haired boy looks out of his window, where he can see Makoto’s room. There’s light there, but the curtains are closed.

Makoto never closes his curtains, only when sleeping. Haruka can see a faint shadow moving suggesting he is pretty much still awake. It troubles him how a simple change of habit coming from Makoto’s initiative can make him feel this much. His lungs are tight and he feels like Makoto is shutting him off, as if he isn’t worth it anymore. It’s foolish and maybe irrational, but those curtains that always stood open, they had meaning. They were part of their secret things. And now it means nothing.

He counts to 10 in his head. Breathes in.

It’s now or never.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, um. I won't lie, I don't like Rin. Not a bit. Season 1 Rin was a nightmare and I believe Season 2 Rin is only there because of the creator's (director's? IDK) favoritism. But he's important in here because I thought it would be nice having him help Haru through his struggles when Makoto couldn't- just like in canon, mwaha. Still hate that episode, though.   
> I know many people who dislike Rin as well as many people who love him. To those who hate him, I'm sorry to squeeze him in the plot; and those who love him, sorry if I mischaracterized him. It's my first time writing him, so yeee...
> 
> Anyway, the big question is: would you guys like it if I wrote the next (and final!) chapter with Makoto's POV? Not that I desperately want to (in fact, I think it would very much break the aesthetics of this fic), but I had someone slipping this suggestion and, being as nice as I am, I want your opinion. If you want to, please comment and I'll see what I can do.
> 
> Okay, did you love it, hate it? Am I finally being kicked out of the fandom? Eh, probably not, you guys love to suffer (jk). Please don't forget to tell me your opinions in the comments. Reading what you guys think makes me very happy!


	6. It Gets Better In The End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haruka thinks that maybe telling him will be easy.  
> He's so wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, last chapter! But fear no more- this story is far from finished. I'll explain more in the end notes.  
> Hope you like it!

Trying not to freak out is not an option. Not when Haruka's footsteps are only a bit louder than his heartbeats as he runs towards Makoto's house. Hundreds of thoughts swim in his head, such as 'it's late', 'what am I going to say?' and 'should I knock on the front door?'

With no answers at all, he arrives. He stares at the door and sighs, knowing that waking everyone up is not an option either. He knows Makoto is awake, but his room is on the second floor. Maybe he should just go home and try again tomorrow...

No. He is not giving up.

Circling the house and jumping the fence, he stands on the backyard. It has always been easy to enter the Tachibana property, since they live in such a small, bucolic town. He's grateful for that, secretly.

He stands right under Makoto's window, with light illuminating the grass under his feet. He considers his options, looking around. He can maybe use little rocks, but they could break the window if thrown too harshly. Another look around and his eyes settle on the garden cabinet Makoto's mother uses to keep the gardening material and other stuff. Maybe there is a broom in there? He could probably use it to knock on the window, if standing on something high enough, such as... ah! The supply box! The only problem is that the cabinet is locked and it needs a key. Knowing the Tachibana family as well as he does, he expects to find it somewhere close to the lock.

He doesn't need to search much- the key, incredibly enough, is under the fourth vase he lifts. Chuckling to himself, he opens the cabinet, grasps the broom and prays for the supply box to bear his weight, placing it near to the house wall.

He steps on the box carefully and lifts the broom to knock once. A surprise gasp is heard from inside the window, and Haruka finds himself rolling his eyes. He knocks once again, inpatient, and receives no answer at all. Three more knocks, and he is still left in silence. Not bearing it anymore, he whispers as loud as he can, calling Makoto's name and knocking once again.

A shadow appears by the window and Haruka retrieves the broom. The curtains are opened slowly as Makoto peeks outside, hand trembling. Haruka suppresses a sigh.

"Haru?" Makoto sighs, sounding relieved as he opens the window. "What are you doing here?" he asks, placing a hand on his chest. “Don’t scare me like that.”

"I need to tell you something," he says, not averting his gaze. "It's important."

Makoto's face doesn't brighten up at his words; quite the contrary. Seeing his lack of interest, the raven swallows. "Can't we talk tomorrow? It's late."

"I said _it's important_ ," Haruka insists. He's not letting this go, and he hopes Makoto can read his eagerness in his eyes.

"I know what I said earlier, but to be honest I'm fine with you not telling me. It's better, okay? Leave it like this."

"Makoto, you-!" he stops, realizing how loud he is being. He starts over, "You got it all wrong. Let's just talk about it, okay? I need you to hear me out."

Makoto sighs, head resting on the window glass. He nods and Haruka almost doesn't catch it. The brunet closes the window and leaves, turning off the light. He shows up outside a minute later when Haru is getting off the box. He doesn't look at him.

Haruka just stands there, not sure of how to begin. His hands are sweating and his mind is swimming, but not in a good way; he feels like throwing up and running away, but he tries his best not to do either. He thinks he would fail at the latter anyway, considering how hard his legs are shaking.

"M-Makoto," he stutters, clearing his throat and trying to calm down. It doesn't help that said teenager is so obnoxiously refusing to look at him. "Please, look at me, I c-can't do it if you don't."

It takes him a second, but Haruka's eyes are finally gazing into Makoto's. He swallows, throat tight, as he recollects his thoughts and tries again, "For some time, I, uh- have been thinking some strange things and having weird feelings I couldn't understand fully until, well, earlier today..."

He knows how hard Makoto wants to look away, how uncomfortable he is. It makes Haruka feel worse, knowing he's the one who caused that; the one who made Makoto - actual angel Makoto - look as miserable as he does.

_Please, bear with me for a little longer!_

"I knew it was something strong," he continues, ignoring how much his chest aches and how much he wants to stop. He owes Makoto an explanation, and he isn’t leaving until the truth is out. "But I didn't know it was _this_ strong... it got out of control and I freaked out, because I didn't want to ruin things."

Makoto sighs. "You realize you're not really telling me anything, right?"

"I'm trying to!" he snaps, his nervousness getting the best of him. A look at Makoto's hurt expression and he's almost falling on his knees. "Sorry. This is just... harder than I expected."

"If you're trying to tell me about you and Rin-" Makoto starts, only to be cut off.

"There's nothing between us to talk about! He is not the one I- I _mean_ , he. We don't have anything and. You got it all wrong. Please, believe me, Makoto," he urges, hugging himself tightly, trying to overcome the pain. The pressure on his chest doesn’t change a thing as he stares into the eyes of the love of his life, unable to tell him how he feels. “I wouldn’t lie to you, you know that. You _have_ to believe me.”

At that Makoto frowns, clearly concerned. "You okay, Haru?" He steps closer to the raven, eyes widening. "Haru-! Don't cry, please. I hate it when you cry..."

He hadn't even realized he had started crying. Confused, he brings a hand upwards, touching his cheeks and feeling the wetness of his tears. He had held those tears for so long, refusing to cry and fighting every urge, only to crack right in front of Makoto. Ridiculous.

"Haru-chan," Makoto's voice makes him come back to reality, the brunet so close he could touch him without stretching his arms fully- which he doesn’t. "I'm sorry I've been so hard on you, please stop crying."

Makoto's face, full of guilty and despair. _It's all wrong, I screwed up once again_.

"Don't apologize, it's my fault. I'm a coward, Makoto, and I didn't want to change things. I was selfish and scared, but I just realized that I can overcome all of that if I'm with you."

"Haru, I- what do you mean?" Makoto stutters, eyes wide.

"I was scared of ruining things, of changing everything. I still am and will always be, but more than that, I..." he pauses, breathing in and out slowly. He feels like fainting and his head won't stop spinning. "I'm more scared of losing you and letting you go, Makoto."

In front of him, Makoto is speechless. His lips are parted and Haruka can't read his expression. Makoto won't get it until he says it, right?

"Makoto."

The brunet blinks twice, static. Haruka can't wait anymore.

"I love you," he says, blue eyes glued on green ones. He didn't realize his hands gripping onto Makoto's cyan shirt before, but apparently they are. “I don’t know when it started, but for so long I’ve been loving you. It scared me and I thought I would only push you away if I told you, so I tried to suppress these feelings to save our friendship, but it only made me feel worse; I couldn’t even look at you or talk to you without my heart beating like crazy. Every time you looked at me, I felt unease and guilty. I wanted to tell you, shout at you how I feel, but I was too much of a coward,” he pauses. “Rin came over to talk, only; he helped me understand how I feel about you. You got mad, and for that I am sorry; I wish I could have told you earlier, so none of this would have happened,” he bites his lower lip, worried about Makoto’s reaction. Then, he is quick to add, “And I understand if you don’t feel the same, Makoto. It’s okay. I’m fine with you knowing, and that’s all. Just, please… don’t tell me I ruined everything right now.”

The taller teen looks petrified, and Haruka is afraid he has broken him, concern obvious on his face. He tries to shake his friend and get a reaction from him, his anxiety growing on his chest, only to let out a loud, surprised gasp when Makoto's left arm circles his waist and his right hand is grabs his neck, pulling him to a kiss.

When he imagined what kissing Makoto would feel like, he wasn't ready for the softness and shape of his lips. He thought they would be rougher, a bit chapped, and maybe bigger; he's quite glad to be wrong, though, considering how perfect Makoto's lips feel against his.

They pull apart shortly after, Haruka's eyes refusing to open. His whole body feels like jelly and he, more than ever, is sure fainting is a pretty certain option. The only thing that keeps him standing is Makoto's arm around his waist, casually supporting him.

When he finally opens his eyes, he sees a blinding smile and bright green orbs that completely absorbs him. _That's it_ , he thinks, head spinning and air leaving his lungs, _I'm fainting_.

Makoto laughs as he looks at him, hugging him tightly. _No, I can't black out just yet- not with him acting like a happy puppy_.

"You kissed me," Haruka whispers dumbly, head resting on Makoto's shoulders just like it did the night before.

"I kissed you," the brunet confirms, smile clear on his voice. Haruka's lips turn slightly upwards. "You don't know how long I've been waiting to kiss you, Haru. So, so long... I think I'm dreaming, aren't I?"

Haruka chuckles. "I don't know. Maybe I'm the one who's dreaming."

Makoto steps back to look at his face, showing Haruka a beautiful smile. The most beautiful of all; the one that Makoto reserves especially for him. "If this is a dream, promise me we'll never wake up? Haru-chan."

"Promise," he smiles, his mind dancing. He never felt lighter.

"And, Haru?" Makoto calls, his eyes half-lidded as he stares right into Haruka's soul. He feels goosebumps running down his spine and the sudden urge to gasp at the deepness of Makoto’s voice. It's as if time has stopped, the night stars illuminating Makoto's face - his beautiful, flawless face, the one who caused so many sleepless nights and even followed him through his dreams. His big hands come to Haruka's face, Makoto's forehead touching his. He can feel his breath and his warmness, making him feel dizzy and breathless. "I love you, too."

He can't handle it anymore, not after hearing the words he expected the most. He quietly sobs as he hides his flushed face in Makoto's chest, hugging his sides and squeezing tight. He feels so full, his heart now beating calmly and his lungs working properly once again. After months of torture and doubt, prolonged with fear and pain, it’s finally over. He can finally look straight into Makoto’s eyes and tell him how much he loves him, not anxious anymore because now he knows Makoto loves him just the same.

“You know,” Makoto says, his hand caressing the back of Haruka’s head, combing his hair. “You were pretty weird, the last few months. I know I already told you that, and now I see how I made things even more difficult to you. Sorry about that.”

“Don’t be,” Haruka says, lifting his head to meet Makoto’s gaze. “If you hadn’t, I’m sure it would have taken me longer to finally gather enough courage.”

Laughing for some reason the raven doesn’t understand, Makoto kisses his nose, then his cheeks, his jaw, his chin, finally settling on his lips. It’s so natural, as if they’ve been together for years, or at least with kissing involved. Haruka doesn’t mind; he thought it would be more awkward or that they would have to overcome some weird transition, but in the end, his confession changes nothing. They will still be best friends and will still act the same; the only change is that he is finally allowed to look at Makoto and tell the world he is his.

“Haru, can I ask you something?”

“You just did, silly.”

Makoto laughs. “Since when do you call me ‘silly’, Haru-chan?” he teases, green eyes gleaming with amusement.

“Shut up,” Haruka says, his cheeks feeling warmer. “What is it that you want to ask me?”

“I know I should probably give you some time before asking you this,” Makoto says, suddenly assuming a half-serious, half-nervous expression. “But to be honest, I can’t wait anymore.”

“Makoto?”

“Haru,” he whispers, thumb caressing Haruka’s face, his voice as soft as velvet. “From now on, would you give me the honor of being my boyfriend?”

The raven has to bite his lip to keep him from smiling embarrassingly. Makoto’s way of speaking is making his cheeks burn and he wants to hide his face from what had just been asked. He’s sure he has lost the ability to speak, Makoto’s words replaying on his mind. More than ever, he has no doubt that this is a dream. He’s going to wake up in a few minutes and feel horrible about it, but he couldn’t care less. Letting his lower lip go and finally smiling as Makoto deserves, he nods enthusiastically, sighing, “God, _yes_.”

Makoto laughs loudly as he holds Haruka by the waist and lifts him, spinning just like those romantic movies Rin always make them watch. Haru feels as if he’s going to explode from embarrassment and happiness, his laugh also filling the silent night. They completely forget about how late it is and how they’re supposed to be discreet, only to panic when the living room light is turned on and the front door is opened seconds later. Makoto lowers Haruka to the ground, but doesn’t let go of his waist. The shorter teenager feels a mix of relieve and nervousness as Makoto’s hold only tightens.

Makoto’s mother peeks at them and then frowns, stopping by the fence with a confused expression as she sleepily eyes them, apparently not noticing the proximity of them, or at least not caring.

“Haruka? What are you doing here?” she asks, rubbing her eyes and yawning. “And Makoto, why are you up this late?”

Haruka feels Makoto taking hold of his hands, pulling him as he walks closer to his mother. They cross the fence and then are standing right in front of Mrs. Tachibana, Haruka’s stoic expression being completely replaced by a much more nervous one. Makoto, on the other hand, can’t seem to stop smiling.

“Mom,” the taller says, his voice confident and cheery, “Haruka came over because he had something to tell me. I don’t want to keep you up much longer and I know we will certainly talk about this in the morning, but I want to let you know…” he pauses, glancing at Haruka as if asking him permission. The raven pouts and nods. It’s not as if he could take it all back now, is it? “We’re dating, Haru and I.”

Mrs. Tachibana’s once sleepy face is now full of pride and happiness as she hugs both teenagers, showing off a smile that looks a lot like her son’s. “Makoto! You finally did it!” She cheered, stepping away to look at both of them. “Ah, I’m so happy, you both make me so proud!”

Haruka frowns. “You told your _mother_ you liked me, but you didn’t tell _me_?”

“She’s my mom, of course I told her!”

“God, he wouldn’t stop talking about you, Haruka,” she says, letting out a dramatic sigh. “I couldn’t wait for you guys to solve it out already. He made me lose two of my favorite TV shows just talking about a picture he took of you petting that silly white cat-“

“Mom! Haru didn’t need to know about that!” Makoto blushes and Haruka chuckles, suddenly feeling a lot lighter.

Why didn’t he tell Makoto right in the beginning anyway?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyoo! I'm pretty sure I'm forgetting something in this chapter, but knowing myself and my flawed memory, I'm certain I won't remember...  
> Anyway this is the end! Or is it?.........  
> Nope! There's still much to do and write, since this is now part of a ~series~. "Oh, Tay, what do you mean???" It's simple: this new series ("Our Love Story" - title may change) is all about Makoto and Haru's growing relationship. I'll post oneshots and multichaptered thingys, with, for instance, their first time, their experiences... that's it, basically. It's gonna be fun, promise.
> 
> So, did you love it, hate it? Please, let me know in the comments - expecially if you do know what I freaking forgot, that would be useful! And also do give me your opinion on this new series thing, if you'd like something to happen etc. I love writing for you guys, it makes me so happy. (°∀°)
> 
> ALSO LET ME TELL YOU I LOVE MRS. TACHIBANA. Okay. Now you know.  
> I'm also on tumblr if you want to privately tell me something or just chat. I'm very friendly (I TRY):  
> http://meowruka.tumblr.com
> 
> AND YES I changed my username in here. Sorry?

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!


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